38 Week Update

We just got home from our 38 week appointment, which will be our final appointment! No more waiting half dressed on an uncomfortable table, thank God!!! I am still 2 cm dilated and a "little more" than 50% effaced. So, no changes in the last week. Our induction is set for next Weds, as long as Gage does not arrive on his own before hand. We will arrive at the hospital at 6:30 am and get started right away with the IV. The good news about an induction this time around, the doc says I can have an epidural whenever I want. With Ella I had to wait until I was dilated to a 5. I honestly believe I could make it to a 5 and beyond on my own, if it weren't for pitocin. So knowing that when the pitocin induced contractions become unbearable, I can call the anesthesiologist anytime, makes me a very happy person.

Just for fun, here is a photo of the soon to be big sister eating her big breakfast yesterday morning.

Loving Two

I've been anxious this entire pregnancy about the idea of loving two children. How could I love another child as much as I love my sweet Ella. This week when I saw Gage's sweet nose and kissable lips so clear on the sonogram monitor, I knew it was not going to be a problem. I know once I meet him, the love will be much grander than I can imagine now. But, at that moment I caught a glimpse of the sweet emotion of seeing your own child and the amazing love that comes from somewhere below your toes and continues through your soul, expanding out into the vast universe. The overcoming, crazy love you have for your children. The love that I never could have imagined before I had Ella Grace. As it draws nearer to Gage's arrival I am becoming more and more emotional and excited about the blessing of our second child. Today I remembered a story that my friend Ashley sent a couple months ago just prior to the birth of her second and third (twin girls). She also has a 2 year old son. The author is unknown. I felt the need to share the story, as it fits well with my emotions this week.

LOVING TWO

Author Unknown

I walk along holding your 2 year old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me". And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't", knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But, then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

And then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of the days with just the two of us in fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores you-as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is different as you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you-only different. And though I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my supply of love. There's enough of that for both of you-you each have your own supply. I love you both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

Family Photos

Last Thursday, we met my friend Johnna at the park to take some photos prior to Gage's arrival. Johnna did our wedding photos and photos of Ryan and me a couple weeks before Ella was born. I guess you could say she is our family photographer. Here are a just a few of the several wonderful pictures she took. Thanks Johnna, we love them!!

Pregnancy Update

Gage Michael 37 week profile

Little Mouth, Nose and Hand

Its definately getting close to my little man's arrival. As of Monday, I was officially full term at 37 weeks. This was an exciting milestone, becauase we no longer have to worry about preterm labor. I have been having false labor, or braxton hicks contractions, very regularly since 33 weeks. Needless to say, it has been a quite stressful and uncomfortable month. Last Weds, at my 36 week appointment, the doctor had a new concern. I was measuring large about 40 weeks pregnant instead of 36 weeks. The doctor decided to have a sonogram completed to measure the size of the baby and determine if induction might be an option, to avoid having a huge baby. So, our sono appointment was scheduled for yesterday at 12:00 and a doctors appointment to follow at 2:20 pm. The last week of waiting for the sono appointment was awful. I went from thinking I was going to have an early baby due to preterm labor, to thinking I was going to have to suffer through another induction before my body was ready. I started having flashbacks to my induction experience with Ella. Nights and days spent in the hospital with uncomfortable cervical ripeners and then pitocin to do the final trick. I couldn't imagine how I would juggle that with having Ella Bella to take care of at home. I just kept thinking, I want to do this on my own. I even dreamt that I cussed out my doctor. I kept trying to tell myself all that matters is a healthy baby, all that matters is a healthy baby, all that matter is a healthy baby. I told my mom, Kelli and Ryan that I knew it was in God's hands. Yesterday morning when I woke up, I prayed and prayed. I asked God to calm me down. I handed it to Him and let Him know I understood that He already had a plan and that His plan was perfect. I asked God to help me to trust in that plan. My anxiety vanished, until the sono...

The sonogram showed a wonderfully healthy baby. Measuring at about 38 and a half weeks, and approximately 8 lbs. It was so amazing to see him. In one of the shots we could see his eyes wide open. At one time you could count all 5 fingers on one hand. It was amazing. But as soon as the sono was over my mind went right back to the induction. If Gage was already 8 lbs, the doctor would definately want to induce. Ryan tried to calm me down for the next 2 hours while we passed the time prior to our doctor's appointment. He kept telling me it would all be okay. I kept telling myself too, we have a healthy baby in there, that is all that matters. But there in my head was this voice saying, you have been pregnant for 8 months and you want it the way you want it. I think a woman's attachment to having birth the way we expect it is natural. I imagine that all of my friends and family who have ever experienced pregnancy had some if not a lot of expectations about the birth of their child. Some of us want a natural childbirth, or we want an epidural, or we want a water birth. The doctors and the childbirth classes and the tv shows all tell us to understand that every labor and birth is unique and to be flexible with our plans. But deep down in our hearts we think, I've had to endure this pregnancy, I should get it the way I want it. So I continued to whine in my head until the doctor's appointment, like a 3 yr old, not a 30 year old. At 30, I should definately have an understanding that life does not work that way. I can't get what I want by whining.

At 2:20, the doctor came into the room (well it was more like 2:40 because they always make you wait) and took a look at the sono report. He said just like he thought the baby was measuring ahead of schedule. He also let us know that I did have an amniotic fluid level on the higher side of normal. He reassured us about the fluids, that it wasn't a cause for concern, but that it could cause my uterus to measure large as well. We discussed the induction, and that it would be completed on June 3rd. He let us know that if the baby was more than 9 lbs that there was a possibility that I wouldn't be able to have a regular delivery and that a c section may be necessary. He also let us know that he would make me try to have a regular delivery before he even considered a c section. I think some women would want a c section with the fear of a 9 lb baby, but I would still opt for the regular delivery. I just want the satisfaction of knowing I could do it. Anyways, after the lengthy discussions he checked my cervix. I knew he was going to say there had been know changes. I knew he was going to say you're not dilating and your still thick and hard. He didn't. He said, Good news. You are 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I think I could've cried. I said, you just made me so happy. I told him its nice to know that with all the pain and the contractions its good to know I'm not crazy, to know my body can do something.

I left the doctors office smiling. I called my mom and said "Mom, I can dilate on my own". What a landmark moment, haha. I'm satisfied now. My birth can be what it will be. If I have to be induced, there will be no cervical ripeners, because my cervix is already ripening. If I have a c section, I will know that my body was responding to all this action over the last month. And, I know that no matter what, I will have my beautiful, healthy baby boy in my hands in no more than 2 weeks from today!!!

Look how beautiful he is.

The Nursery

We finally finished the nursery at 5 pm today! Tomorrow I will be 37 weeks prego, so its just in time for our little man Gage. It was a lot of fun to do his room. We all worked as a family to pull it together. I got to do the fun part, picking out all the stuff and shopping. Ryan and I worked for a couple weeks coming up with the perfect paint scheme. Then Ryan spent a couple days doing the painting, with help from Ella Bella. All of the polka dots on the wall are hand painted. They are not decals. What a man!!!! Ryan made the monkey wall hangings by cutting perfect 24" circles from MDF and then airbrushing the art. I really am lucky to have such a talented husband. He definitely spoils me. Grammy made basket covers to convert Ella's old organizer from pink to blue. And, Kiki found a beautiful cross that is hanging above Gage's crib to top it all off. We are so happy how it turned out and we can't wait to make memories in the nursery with our son Gage Michael.