Unraveling

You know the little line across the toe of a sock, the one that never lines up just right? Ella cannot stand that little line. She can instantly change from charming to horrific, if that little bump at the end of that little line is a little off on the end of her little big toe. The sock fit snag produces a fit of rage, lined with clenched teeth, kicking feet, and shaking fists. I thought at 5 years old, we’d be done with temper tantrums. But, guess who I was kidding? Me.

I know, I know, the sock line seems like such an easy thing to fix. But first, lets eliminate “no socks” as the easy solution. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I let her go with no socks? She wins. Her feet are cold and stinky. And I want to throw my own fit at the thought of my charming yet sometimes horrific daughter not wearing socks on a cold day. And did I mention she wins? So instead of the easy way out, I decide, as always, to repair the snare. This is a joke, similar to the chicken crossing the road. Or maybe its more like which came first the chicken or the egg.

Will she ever calm down if the sock is not removed? No. If I attempt to fix the sock while it’s on her foot, will I get kicked in the head? Yes. If I remove the sock, will my attempt to replace it be met with another fit of rage? God, I hope not. Shouldn’t she fix the sock herself so she can learn to resolve problems instead of crying about them? Yes. Will she fix the sock herself? No. Now that all the important questions are answered, I still have no idea what to do first. But, I should have a plan, because proper preplanning prevents piss pore performance. So here it is.

The plan (in a perfect world)

Step One: Remove the sock
Step Two: Ask Ella to calm down
Step Three: Replace the sock
Step Four: Teach Ella how to position the sock
Step Five: Talk to Ella about why she was so upset and a better way to handle it

The reality (the cold hard truth)

Step One: Remove the sock
Step Two: Ask Ella to calm down
Step Three: Replace the sock
Step Four: Ask Ella to calm down
Step Five: Remove the sock
Step Six: Ask Ella to calm down
Step Seven: Try to replace the sock, get kicked in the head
Step Eight: Hide in the closet and calm myself down
Step Nine: Exit the closet
Step Ten: Ask Ella to get another pair of socks
Step Eleven: Go get another pair of socks
Step Twelve: Replace the sock with a new sock
Step Twelve: Screw it, remove the sock and put on Ella’s shoes
Step Thirteen: Hide in the closet…again.

This is the point where I’d like to hit redo. If I could, I would rewind 5 years of my life and see all the mistakes I’ve made as a parent. The mistakes that hurdled me to the point where one tiny line on a sock could unravel a morning and possibly an entire day. I would change the mistakes and change my world. It’s too bad that this real mom doesn’t have the super power to turn back time. So I just pray. First I ask why? Then I pray for wisdom and patience. Then I realize the answer to why is that yesterday I prayed for wisdom and patience. And I pray that Ella will not do this again tomorrow. Or that at least when she does, I will use my patience and practice some wisdom.

Ella Grace 5 yrs old

Thirty Is Something!

A few more days, and it will be the 10th anniversary of my 21st birthday. Thirty one! Thirty one!?! It just doesn't sound right. I can't even believe I am thirty yet. There's no stopping time, I know. And on Saturday, I will celebrate my thirty-first birthday.

I told my father in law a few weeks ago that this year of my life had been the most challenging I could remember. The good thing about challenges, are the rewards. I doubt Miley Cyrus really knew the depth of the song “The Climb” when she recorded it at 16 years old. I know I couldn’t have at 16. I’ve done a lot of climbing this year. And it seems like once we get over one hurdle, another one presents itself.

I dealt with job losses in my family, when I was 30. Just a few months before my 30th birthday, Ryan was laid off and I was laid off from my second job. Ryan’s job had been the first steady wage job he had since our return to Texas from Durango in 2004. From 2004 to 2007, he was self employed as a painter and the pay was hit or miss. At that time I was gainfully employed as a Mortgage Underwriter. My second job had been an extra source of security through all of the rainy days. When Ryan started working for Hoffman’s Cabinets in 2007, we decided as a family that I should give up the full time underwriting gig for a less stressful job. I wanted to focus on being a mother more and my career less. So I took a considerable pay cut and took an entry level position at Vought. I kept the second job to make up for the pay cut. Needless to say, when Ryan lost his job in early 09, and I lost my second job as well, there was a great burden on us financially. It just so happened that I was also pregnant with Gage at the time. We watched the economy continue to spiral down as Ryan looked for a job. One that would support the lifestyle we had become accustomed to and our life once Gage arrived. When I turned 30, there was no job in sight, and I was 7 months pregnant. God continued to provide. I kept telling Ryan week after week, you’ve got to get a job by September or we will really be in trouble. The added cost of daycare for Gage once I returned to work in August was going to quickly make the situation dire. Ryan did find a job, in October. A company that he had called upon nearly a year prior finally contacted him with an open position. They offered him a fair wage, and a good amount of overtime to hopefully compensate for the difference in wage from his previous job. Although the overtime has not been consistent, the job is a blessing. We have done a lot of praying, and have made a big life decision to sell our home. We are trusting in God to bring a buyer so that we can downsize and get back on a healthy financial road.

I had my second child, when I was 30. When Gage was born, we couldn’t have been happier. We had tried for our second child for nearly a year. I had been so heartbroken month after month when it didn’t happen. To finally hold him in my arms was one of the most joyful moments of my life. The day after Gage was born, he was scheduled for a circumcision. The circumcision went poorly due to an error by the doctor and we were immediately filled with fear that our son may have long lasting side effects from the mistake. Fortunately, the doctors were able to fix the mistake during a second surgery a month later. During that surgery, Gage developed a contusion due to a broken blood vessel. It caused a lot of bleeding, and a second surgery was required to stitch up the vessel. Because of the amount of bleeding the doctor ordered blood tests to check for blood disorders. Although Gage was not diagnosed with a “bleeding disorder”, they found a condition called Neutropenia. Neutropenia is caused when your body does not produce enough Neutrophils, the portion of your white blood cells that fight off bacterial and fungal infections. The diagnosis meant several doctors visits to a Pediatric Hematologist, as well as several sleepless nights and anxiety filled days. Gage’s neutrophil count is now testing just below normal, and his doctors expect that he will have a normal count at his next visit (one week before his 1st birthday).


My daughter turned 4, when I was 30. She went from a baby to a child. She grew a foot. She got a big girl hair cut. She got a big girl bed. She added 2000 words to her vocabulary and added some non verbal communication skills to her arsenal (rolling eyes, shaking her head, slamming doors). It has been a challenge this year, learning to parent a child instead of a parenting a toddler or baby. I am tested almost daily, as she constantly tries to expand the box that I put her in. And yes, her box has expanded quite a bit. She is now allowed to ride her bike in the street, with supervision. She gets to go on play dates. She has her own CD player and her own CD collection. She can play in her room with her door shut. She can pick out her own clothes. She can even take a shower by herself. Each time she gains a piece of independence, she gets a little bit more eager for more. We are constantly evaluating what she should be allowed to do. I am always trying to find the grace in listening to her requests, instead of putting them off and not listening. Trying to find the balance between negotiating and arguing. Trying to draw the line between what is acceptable for a four year old, and what is not. I am grateful for the support system I have in my parents and in laws, and grateful for their war stories from mine and Ryan’s youth. It’s good to hear that what she is going thru is just normal kid stuff, and not a reflection of my poor parenting skills. Ella is such a beautiful, smart, energetic child. I could not be more blessed.

My twin sis had a baby, when I was 30. Sweet Dylan. Sweet Kiki. What an amazing family. I am filled with love for both of them. I love watching Dylan grow and change. I love watching my best friend and sister as a mother. But with the addition of Dylan, there were some internal adjustments for me. The addition of a grandbaby to the local’s grandbaby union meant giving up some attention. Not necessarily attention on me, but attention on my family. I did expect Ella Grace to be jealous, and knew Gage would be much too young to even notice. But what I didn’t expect was to be jealous myself. The mature 30 year old I am and all. Why would a 30 year old woman be jealous of her sister whom she loves so dearly? Why would I be envious of the attention, when I know that I am blessed with parents who love me and love my children without hesitation? Those were questions that I had to ask myself the first couple months of Dylan’s life. I knew that the way I was feeling was very selfish and wrong, but I couldn’t keep the feelings from surfacing. I finally conquered them through prayer and bonding with my sweet nephew Dylan. What a dummy I was, really.

So as 30 draw to an end, and I look back at the big challenges I’ve faced I realize that I have finally grown up. I am an adult. I have two beautiful children who love me with their “whole hearts”. I have an amazing husband who loves me for better of for worse. We continue to work together to overcome some financial hardships, and are brought closer daily as we rely on each other as helpmates. God blessed me with my twin sissy, who has always loved me for who I am. I have an amazing family and have amazing friends. I have a savior. I have all that I need. The challenges that I’ve faced have done a lot of work in my heart and soul this year. And I have gained a lot of confidence in myself that I never had before. So I hope I will always remember that when I was 30, I finally accepted me. At 16, I colored my hair a dark red color. It didn't work. At 20, I got real skinny. I thought for sure that worked, but it sure took a lot of work. I've worn high heels to feel pretty. I've worn tennis shoes to look like the girl next door. I've sworn off makeup, and I've sworn that I'll never go in public without makeup. I've tried to buy colorful clothing, black clothing, tight jeans, loose jeans. I have tried to be more outgoing, less obsessive. I’ve tried to not cry every time I sing a hymn at church. I’ve tried to sneeze one at a time, instead of 5 at a time. But here I am, who I am. And for the first time in my life, I don't feel like changing me. I feel like embracing it. I feel good about me. For that reason, thirty is good, and I know thirty one will be even better!

You Gotta Have Faith

It was the age of Barbie's, Puffalumps and record players when I moved into our house. I have only a few memories before we moved here, but thousands of memories since. There are ones from my childhood like roller skating in the garage with Kell, while listening to George Michael. "You gotta have faith, a faith, a faith..." Watching my momma make Christmas cookies and sew Christmas jammies. Rolling down the hill in the front yard. The scary man shadow that my closet light made at night. Watching the lightning storms with my Dad on the front porch. The same park bench we sat on is still on the front porch. There are ones from my adolescence like staring at the stars from the driveway. Getting ready with friends for Valentine's dances, homecoming and prom. Sneaking a cigarette with Kelli in the backyard. Grammy and Grampy visiting in their RV. Our graduation party, and the several parties that followed. And then there are the memories from my adult life. Moving home from Durango with Ryan, as newlyweds, and unpacking all of our brand new wedding gifts. Decorating the house and making it our own. Poker parties on the back porch. Bringing Ella home from the hospital. Bringing Gage home from the hospital. Nursing two babies in every room in the house. Ella's first steps. Gage's giggle time every night in our bedroom. Storytime and the playroom. Making breakfasts and dinners and cookies and brownies. Making love. This house is full of memories. A great thing about all of these memories is they are my memories. Ones that will not be stolen. Ones that I can hold on to, or let go of. Ones that will continue to be made whether or not we stay in this home.

Ryan and I decided a couple weeks ago that it would be the best for our family to sell our home. We've done a lot of talking and praying about it since the beginning of the year. We haven't put up the sign yet, but we are working very hard to get the house "staged" by the first of April. We've begun cleaning out closets, painting walls, carpet cleaning, etc. I've had to make decisions on letting go of some items that I stored in order to preserve memories. I've done so with the faith that our prayers and decision to sell this home will bring us a buyer. I do so with faith that letting go of these things signals that we are ready to move on to our next home. It is very hard to let go, or to think of selling this home full of memories to a stranger. But I do know that I will have to accept it and let go in order to allow God to do his work. There is someone out there who is meant to make memories in this home as well. The other day I sat on my bathroom floor, cleaning out trash from below my sink. I prayed that God would continue to give us strength to work hard and get everything taken care of in the next couple of weeks. And as I looked up I noticed two letters carved into my bathroom cabinet. It was so strange that I had never seen it before, after years of using the cabinet daily. The two letters were JC. Maybe you don't believe in signs. But I do. I really believe that God was giving me one. A sign to have faith. And to trust, that because Ryan and I had made our decision to sell through prayer, that God would provide for us.

A Crazy Month

The last month has just been crazy. I have so many things to write about, I am overwhelmed. Here are the highlights, in no particular order. Gage turned 6 months old, and then guess what...now he is 7 months old. Ella turned 4. We celebrated Christmas with family in Broken Bow and a New Year with our best friends at home. We visited with family on several ocassions. My best friend Allison was in town for 3 weeks. Gage went to the ER twice with a fever. We attended a birthday party for Hayden. We attended the kids Christmas party. I attended the girls Christmas party. The kids both had their well visits. Hannah Montana visited our house. We took the kids to see Santa. I have no idea why I haven't had time to write about each and every one of these events. I must just be lazy. The good news is, there is only one plan in January. Ella will be attending a slumber party. This means I will have some time to myself to reflect and write about how much I enjoyed the busy month of December and how much more I enjoyed the slow month of January.

7 months old

Diva Party

Peace on Earth

New Years

The Nutcracker

This will be Ella's fifth Christmas, and I've been wanting to take her to the Nutcracker for the last four. Every year I've called my mom and asked "Do you think Ella is old enough for The Nutcracker?" And every year, I've bought her The Nutcracker dress, knowing she was just going to wear it around the house. It was quite a tradition at our house to put on our tights, ruffled dresses, patent leather shoes and purses to see Clara, The Prince and the sugar plum fairies. I've started humming the song, just typing the words sugar plum. So you get the "pointe", I love The Nutcracker! And this year, Ella fell in love too!

The trip to her first Nutcracker was extra special because Bahey (my Grammy) and Aunt Julie were in town and were able to go with us. Mine and Kelli's first trip to the Nutcraker included Grammy and Julie as well. The tradition continues. So Kiki, Grammy, Julie, Bahey, Momma and Ella dressed up for the 1 o clock show, performed by the Moscow Ballet, at the very cool Majestic Theatre.

Ella loved it. She loved the music. She loved the ballerinas. She loved that the Moscow Ballet invited several local children to perform as extras in the ballet. When the Sugar Plum fairy made her ballet, Ella was so impressed, that she announced to the whole theatre that the fairy was doing a plie. I had such a wonderful time watching her, watch the Nutcraker. Seeing life through your childs eyes is such an amazing gift. It was a joyous day, and one that I will definately never forget. And hopefully Ella Bella will always remember her first Nutcraker too. And maybe one day my little dancer will have a part!

Sunday Picnic

We've been wanting to take the kids on a picnic for weeks. But with all the rain and all our other activities, it seems we never make it. Today we finally did. We packed a lunch, brought a blanket, some old hamburger buns for the ducks and a bunch of smiles. We needed a day of fun together, its possibly the best we've ever had! I'll let the photos do the rest of the talking.

The Making of A Mommy

Four years ago as I was nearing the end of my first pregnancy, already on bed rest and anxiously awaiting Ella’s arrival, I watched episode after episode of Bringing Home Baby. Ryan and I took a “baby care basics” class at the hospital and I read book after book about baby care. I remember in the basics class the teacher asked each expectant mother to name one thing we wanted to learn about. My response was giving our baby a bath, wasn’t she going to be slippery and tiny, how was I supposed to keep her from slipping thru my hands and hitting her head? Then when she was born, and I had to really take care of her, a whole new set of questions came up. Is she sleeping enough? Is she eating enough? How many diapers is she going to go thru today? How do I get her dressed without hurting her? How do I clip those tiny fingernails? Should I put a blanket on her or not? The list goes on and on. One at a time, my questions were answered and one at a time another came up. They still do. I am sure they will until my kids have kids of their own.

It does seem easier with Gage, there have been far fewer questions unanswered. Not so much angst. “He is going to sleep a lot the first few weeks”, I told myself. One wet diaper for everyday until he’s 8 days old, and then 8 after that. He’s not going to break if I can’t get his head thru his onesie easily. And I know how to give him a bath…carefully. And even though I constantly have to dig down into my basement of a brain to remember some things, being a Mommy is a lot simpler the second time around. It’s kind of like I’ve been hired to coach the varsity team after a few years experience on the JV team. My team is definitely not undefeated. We still have lots of practice to do, but I definitely have the confidence to lead them to victory on most days.

Dylan is a week old, and I’ve had the pleasure of serving as a special teams coach for Team Kelli during this week. I hope she’ll keep me on as a part time consultant. I love so much to have some of the experience under my belt, and to have the opportunity to share it with my sissy. It has truly been an amazing week, watching Kelli become a mommy. I am ecstatic to know that the next several years of our lives we will be raising our children together. Kelli is my more than my sissy, she is my best friend. I think the true definition of soul mate must be twin sister. So to watch my sissy become a mommy, to watch her love her child is amazing. On days when I’m down, Kell always tells me I’m such a good Mommy. And usually on those days, I doubt her. But I think I know now what she must see. The same thing that I see in her. The questions she ponders because she wants to make sure she is doing it right. The concern that she has for every drop of milk. The fear she has of getting him dressed. What she might not realize yet, is that every question she asks is just proof of what a good Mommy she already is. And that the making of a Mommy wouldn’t be complete without them.