You Gotta Have Faith

It was the age of Barbie's, Puffalumps and record players when I moved into our house. I have only a few memories before we moved here, but thousands of memories since. There are ones from my childhood like roller skating in the garage with Kell, while listening to George Michael. "You gotta have faith, a faith, a faith..." Watching my momma make Christmas cookies and sew Christmas jammies. Rolling down the hill in the front yard. The scary man shadow that my closet light made at night. Watching the lightning storms with my Dad on the front porch. The same park bench we sat on is still on the front porch. There are ones from my adolescence like staring at the stars from the driveway. Getting ready with friends for Valentine's dances, homecoming and prom. Sneaking a cigarette with Kelli in the backyard. Grammy and Grampy visiting in their RV. Our graduation party, and the several parties that followed. And then there are the memories from my adult life. Moving home from Durango with Ryan, as newlyweds, and unpacking all of our brand new wedding gifts. Decorating the house and making it our own. Poker parties on the back porch. Bringing Ella home from the hospital. Bringing Gage home from the hospital. Nursing two babies in every room in the house. Ella's first steps. Gage's giggle time every night in our bedroom. Storytime and the playroom. Making breakfasts and dinners and cookies and brownies. Making love. This house is full of memories. A great thing about all of these memories is they are my memories. Ones that will not be stolen. Ones that I can hold on to, or let go of. Ones that will continue to be made whether or not we stay in this home.

Ryan and I decided a couple weeks ago that it would be the best for our family to sell our home. We've done a lot of talking and praying about it since the beginning of the year. We haven't put up the sign yet, but we are working very hard to get the house "staged" by the first of April. We've begun cleaning out closets, painting walls, carpet cleaning, etc. I've had to make decisions on letting go of some items that I stored in order to preserve memories. I've done so with the faith that our prayers and decision to sell this home will bring us a buyer. I do so with faith that letting go of these things signals that we are ready to move on to our next home. It is very hard to let go, or to think of selling this home full of memories to a stranger. But I do know that I will have to accept it and let go in order to allow God to do his work. There is someone out there who is meant to make memories in this home as well. The other day I sat on my bathroom floor, cleaning out trash from below my sink. I prayed that God would continue to give us strength to work hard and get everything taken care of in the next couple of weeks. And as I looked up I noticed two letters carved into my bathroom cabinet. It was so strange that I had never seen it before, after years of using the cabinet daily. The two letters were JC. Maybe you don't believe in signs. But I do. I really believe that God was giving me one. A sign to have faith. And to trust, that because Ryan and I had made our decision to sell through prayer, that God would provide for us.

A Crazy Month

The last month has just been crazy. I have so many things to write about, I am overwhelmed. Here are the highlights, in no particular order. Gage turned 6 months old, and then guess what...now he is 7 months old. Ella turned 4. We celebrated Christmas with family in Broken Bow and a New Year with our best friends at home. We visited with family on several ocassions. My best friend Allison was in town for 3 weeks. Gage went to the ER twice with a fever. We attended a birthday party for Hayden. We attended the kids Christmas party. I attended the girls Christmas party. The kids both had their well visits. Hannah Montana visited our house. We took the kids to see Santa. I have no idea why I haven't had time to write about each and every one of these events. I must just be lazy. The good news is, there is only one plan in January. Ella will be attending a slumber party. This means I will have some time to myself to reflect and write about how much I enjoyed the busy month of December and how much more I enjoyed the slow month of January.

7 months old

Diva Party

Peace on Earth

New Years

The Nutcracker

This will be Ella's fifth Christmas, and I've been wanting to take her to the Nutcracker for the last four. Every year I've called my mom and asked "Do you think Ella is old enough for The Nutcracker?" And every year, I've bought her The Nutcracker dress, knowing she was just going to wear it around the house. It was quite a tradition at our house to put on our tights, ruffled dresses, patent leather shoes and purses to see Clara, The Prince and the sugar plum fairies. I've started humming the song, just typing the words sugar plum. So you get the "pointe", I love The Nutcracker! And this year, Ella fell in love too!

The trip to her first Nutcracker was extra special because Bahey (my Grammy) and Aunt Julie were in town and were able to go with us. Mine and Kelli's first trip to the Nutcraker included Grammy and Julie as well. The tradition continues. So Kiki, Grammy, Julie, Bahey, Momma and Ella dressed up for the 1 o clock show, performed by the Moscow Ballet, at the very cool Majestic Theatre.

Ella loved it. She loved the music. She loved the ballerinas. She loved that the Moscow Ballet invited several local children to perform as extras in the ballet. When the Sugar Plum fairy made her ballet, Ella was so impressed, that she announced to the whole theatre that the fairy was doing a plie. I had such a wonderful time watching her, watch the Nutcraker. Seeing life through your childs eyes is such an amazing gift. It was a joyous day, and one that I will definately never forget. And hopefully Ella Bella will always remember her first Nutcraker too. And maybe one day my little dancer will have a part!

Sunday Picnic

We've been wanting to take the kids on a picnic for weeks. But with all the rain and all our other activities, it seems we never make it. Today we finally did. We packed a lunch, brought a blanket, some old hamburger buns for the ducks and a bunch of smiles. We needed a day of fun together, its possibly the best we've ever had! I'll let the photos do the rest of the talking.

The Making of A Mommy

Four years ago as I was nearing the end of my first pregnancy, already on bed rest and anxiously awaiting Ella’s arrival, I watched episode after episode of Bringing Home Baby. Ryan and I took a “baby care basics” class at the hospital and I read book after book about baby care. I remember in the basics class the teacher asked each expectant mother to name one thing we wanted to learn about. My response was giving our baby a bath, wasn’t she going to be slippery and tiny, how was I supposed to keep her from slipping thru my hands and hitting her head? Then when she was born, and I had to really take care of her, a whole new set of questions came up. Is she sleeping enough? Is she eating enough? How many diapers is she going to go thru today? How do I get her dressed without hurting her? How do I clip those tiny fingernails? Should I put a blanket on her or not? The list goes on and on. One at a time, my questions were answered and one at a time another came up. They still do. I am sure they will until my kids have kids of their own.

It does seem easier with Gage, there have been far fewer questions unanswered. Not so much angst. “He is going to sleep a lot the first few weeks”, I told myself. One wet diaper for everyday until he’s 8 days old, and then 8 after that. He’s not going to break if I can’t get his head thru his onesie easily. And I know how to give him a bath…carefully. And even though I constantly have to dig down into my basement of a brain to remember some things, being a Mommy is a lot simpler the second time around. It’s kind of like I’ve been hired to coach the varsity team after a few years experience on the JV team. My team is definitely not undefeated. We still have lots of practice to do, but I definitely have the confidence to lead them to victory on most days.

Dylan is a week old, and I’ve had the pleasure of serving as a special teams coach for Team Kelli during this week. I hope she’ll keep me on as a part time consultant. I love so much to have some of the experience under my belt, and to have the opportunity to share it with my sissy. It has truly been an amazing week, watching Kelli become a mommy. I am ecstatic to know that the next several years of our lives we will be raising our children together. Kelli is my more than my sissy, she is my best friend. I think the true definition of soul mate must be twin sister. So to watch my sissy become a mommy, to watch her love her child is amazing. On days when I’m down, Kell always tells me I’m such a good Mommy. And usually on those days, I doubt her. But I think I know now what she must see. The same thing that I see in her. The questions she ponders because she wants to make sure she is doing it right. The concern that she has for every drop of milk. The fear she has of getting him dressed. What she might not realize yet, is that every question she asks is just proof of what a good Mommy she already is. And that the making of a Mommy wouldn’t be complete without them.

Living on a Prayer

Supposedly humans have the ability to forget pain. I wonder if we also have the ability to forget exhaustion? We must. Otherwise I would've known to expect it, right? To expect the overwhelming exhaustion that comes from mothering two young children. I know some of you said “get your rest now”. Or of course, there is always the “sleep when the baby is sleeping”. Yeah right, by the way! What about the 3 year old running around the house? When is she going to let me sleep? Some of you mothers I know could've let me in on the secret. "Hey Ams, you're going to be so tired...and don’t expect to feel rested for a long, long, long time." I wouldn't trade my kids for sleep, but if anyone is up for babysitting, I'd love a nap.

But seriously, I know why you didn’t tell me the secret. I know why you have kept it hidden inside. You know the other part of the secret. The wonderful, amazing, secret of motherhood. You didn’t know it before your first child arrived. But, you knew it before you decided to have the second, third, or more. You knew the risk you were taking. But, you knew the benefits outweighed the risks. You knew the pure joy that comes from putting your darling daughter to bed at night and knowing she’d rather have you there than any other person alive. The sound of her yelling “hi momma!!!” when you walk in the door each day. The sweet smile from your baby boy when you give him a hundred kisses all over. The boo-boos that require only a mommy kiss. The pure, deep and true love you have for your children. The love you didn’t know existed inside of you. The love that God must have for each and everyone of us. That is why you didn’t tell me about the exhaustion. You knew it wouldn’t matter. You KNOW it doesn’t matter.

I cried just the other day watching a movie wedding. At that moment, I could just imagine Ella walking down the aisle. Ella caught me tearing up, and quickly ran to rescue me. She asked me “Why are you crying Mommy”. I responded that I didn’t want her to stop being my baby. She gave me the sweetest hug, kissed me on the cheek and proclaimed “I will always be your baby”. Please God, I hope so. And God, will you make sure Gage feels the same?

Then, yesterday as I drove in my car, after hurriedly feeding Gage on my lunch break, I felt a twang of exhaustion. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw bloodshot eyes, dirty hair, and smeared mascara from the perpetual eye rubbing. And I prayed for strength. I prayed that I would see myself through the eyes of my children. I prayed to be reminded of the beauty in my life and I reminded myself that this wasn’t going to last forever. Moments later, “This Won’t Last for Long” began playing on the radio. And I cried. I thought about every word and how true it is. I thought about my Elle Belle and how tired I was when she was a baby. How, even then, I would pray for rest. I would pray for help. And how I learned the prayer of a mother. The prayer that our children will grow, be healthy and live long lives, but at the same time that they will not grow up too fast. Now I have two children to love, two children to fill my heart with joy, two children who will grow up before my eyes. Two children to hold onto, and two children that I will have to let go of. And like I said before, I wouldn’t trade any of it for sleep. In my opinion, giving up sleep is a bargain. Motherhood wouldn’t be so amazingly rewarding if it were easy. Thank God for my children. Thank God for the blessing of being a mother. Thank God for exhaustion.

4 Months Old

Gage is 16 weeks old, and his 4 month birthday is next Saturday. Four monhts??? Time flies. Gage weighs 17 lbs!!! He's wearing 6 month old clothes, and will probably be in the 6-9 month clothes by Halloween. He is super sweet and smiley. He loves music, his bouncy chair, his pacifier and he loves his Mommy! He is cooing a lot, and starting to giggle. He is not really sleeping thru the night yet. He wakes up to eat between 3-5am every morning. But, he goes right back to sleep when he's thru eating. Because of the middle of the night feeding, he is still sleeping in our room. We are going to move him out of the bassinet into the pack n play because 17 lbs is a little big for the bassinet. He's been very gassy, or colicky, about 2 nights a week. Those are hard nights. He will cry for about 2 hours without avail. We try everything, and he'll stop for a minute or two and start right back up again. The doctor says that should go away in the next month or two. Ella Grace still loves him so much, she doesn't seem to have any resentment. She loves to hold him and snuggle with him.